The 23rd March parade of Pakistan Armed Forces
was finally celebrated after a hiatus of seven years. To say that it was an
emotional moment for the Pakistani nation going through its most turbulent time
would be an understatement. Paying the
actual price of the war on terrorism and being slaughtered by Taliban and abandoned
by erstwhile friends, we are fighting a strange war with no beginning and no
predicted end. Like the proverbial drowning man, we have clutched onto the “
Show of Force “ of our Armed force on 23rd March and have flooded
the social media with images, videos and songs from the day.
It’s difficult to say what was more powerful , the image of
the SSG Commando impulsively kissing the flag before handing it to the
President or the Present Chief of Air staff leading the Fly-past.
But, ladies and gentlemen the picture below was the icing on
the cake for me. Let’s not forget that I spend a better part of my childhood
harassing my dad on the lines, “Why can girls not join the army?” Why can I not
fight a war?” It was a proud moment for all of us and brought tears of joy to
my eye previously brought on when the women cricket team won the Asia Cup , when Sharmeen Obaid Chinoy won the Oscar and when I look at the smiling face of Ayesha Farooq.
However, the purpose of this blog is not to extol the
numerous achievements of women in a country known for its patriarchal overtones
ridden with male dominance and misogyny. My point is where do we go from here? Can
we expect other major changes in our society or not ? In their individual
houses, in-laws and general society would these officers be treated even
different from the rest of the highly-educated female middle class
intelligentsia?
I would really love
to know what will happen when a Typical Pakistani man (a mard) will tell these
captains with swords and guns that their place is in the kitchen . Trust me the
moment will come, it has happened so far to all the brilliant surgeons and
physicians I have known and if it’s not going to be a man who says it, random
and remotely related women in their life will definitely judge them on their
life choices. I know enough about the double standards and hypocrisy of my
society to know that this will surely and definitely happen. Even if it’s not
as bluntly worded as above, the subtle overtones are always there, that a
woman’s prime responsibility is her House and Husband and who can she juggle both these
things with a fulfilling career . The “Women’s place is in the Kitchen “ theory
is so well ingrained in the society that no one dare questions or challenges it
at all.
I sincerely hope that these dashing officers marry much more
enlightened members of the male species.
The predicament is that Pakistani Society has in some ways
undergone a complete metamorphosis in the last generation or two and it has
left the Pakistani Man stranded helplessly in the past. The modern Pakistani
man cannot help being attracted to the women of today, vivacious, well
educated, well-spoken, the girl who is independent financially, holds her own
in board meetings and ward rounds, what is not to like ? The problems start
when the same highly educated woman refuses to bow down to centuries old
traditions and refuses to turn into the proverbial doormat. She may run a
department very well but ironing shirts in the morning and making that perfect
omelets may prove a struggle for her or she may just be totally disinterested
in housework. And that is a very bitter pill to swallow for men.
My mother and aunts who were daughters of senior military
officers in 1960s and 1970s were well- educated , no one would have frowned if
they wanted to pursue professional qualifications but there was no pressure to
go looking for careers. The assumption still was that men earn and women run
the house. Women at that time were still
confined to the dual profession of teaching and medicine. I remember meeting
only one female banker when I was growing up. Now, you walk into any bank and
more than half of the time you will be inundated by females.
Mine and my sister’s childhoods in the 1980’s and 1990’s were
very different. Suddenly, fathers wanted their daughters to do more. We were
taught to be more competitive and more ambitious. Girls started topping more
and more board exams and with the introduction of open merit in the medical
colleges in Punjab, girls soon started outnumbering boys . When I joined my public medical college in
1998, the female to male ratio was 3:1. And by the time I graduated, the
military had finally opened its doors to having women in administrative wings,
public relations and technical fields.
My point is that recently Pakistani women have changed so
much. In most middle class houses, there are equal breadwinners. On an
international level, we have brought back Oscars, Grammies and even won the
Asian cricket cup. We have ran countries, joined armies, flown planes, hold CEO
positions and are professors of medicine and humanities.
However this price of empowerment has a cost: it has led to numerous domestic conflicts as our men
suddenly find themselves stranded in the past, trying to follow their dad’s a s
a role model, not realizing that the women have so moved on.
It would be naïve t o expect a modern Pakistani woman of
today to provide the same kind of house-making services which her stay at home
mum and mum- in -law did even one generation back. While men are nowadays
interested in getting married to working women as a means of
increasing their own statuses or even giving the family finances a boost
( no harm in that), they also foolishly expect this wife to be domestic goddess
or more like a beast for domestic labour.
If we, the Pakistani women have upped our game so much, here
are a few pointers for the modern Pakistani men if they still want to be in the
run:
1.
Life Skills:
Every human being should know how to fix a simple meal for
himself. It is a skill which has led to our survival through the pre-ancient
times. Making a cup of tea is not rocket science, has never been, will never
be. You make a fried egg by cracking an egg in a pan full of hot oil. Maggie
noodles has saved a lot of lives, instructions are printed both in Urdu and
English on the packet. Every Pakistani freezer has kebabs in it and since
K& N have started their range of kebabs and koftes, lots of aunties are
also using them, so can any male. Every nook and corner has a tandoor which
gives you fresh roti till late at night. Please learn basics so you are not
dependant on the women folk of your life. Why am I saying all this? Because only last one month
as I finished a 12 hours grueling night shift filled with cardiac arrest and
trauma calls, I was asked by my husband if I can get him a cup of tea as I am
back home now? I do not think any man has ever been asked something on similar
lines.
2.
Washing and Laundry:
Here is news for you: Women did not win the exclusive
contract of washing clothes for the household, ever. Just like greatness is
thrust upon some people, laundry has been thrust upon us. We don’t necessarily
like doing it.
Dirty clothes go in and clean clothes come out. If you are
not color blind there is no excuse to mix pink and reds with white and even if
you do it once or twice, the damage would have been to your dress shirts only. It’s
a steep learning curve, it happens only once and you never mix colors again. I
think it tough love but it has to be done. Once again not rocket science. If
men can run big factories and industries, a few dials of the washing machine
will be easy-peasy to learn.
3.
Get over the Gender Stereotypes:
Please, oh please, gender stereotyping is so last century. If
we can drive cars and recently fly airplanes there is no place for the stereotyping
role modeling of “Mummy does the housework and daddy does the work outside (“not
really sure what that work entails).
This is where we all need to make an effort. If I see one
more ad featuring a smiling, over made women frying unhealthy pakoras in
gallons of oil, I will scream. Please break the mould, show us the real
picture. After all, all the professional chefs in our five stars hotels are NOT
women. Men can cook. Let them have their due. There is one ad which runs in Ramaadan in
which a smiling little girl helps her mum and grandmother in the kitchen making
iftari while the three generations of men , do nothing much , sitting and
smiling on the dining table, I guess just being men.. My three year old son has
a brilliant kitchen set which he absolutely loves. Eyebrows have been raised
but I have shrugged it away. He can be busy for hours, making cups of tea for
everyone. On a similar note the washing powder ads can sometimes show men
following the simple instructions in point 2 and washing their own clothes.
4.
A family helps each other :
A very basic lesson to learn. We all live in this house, we
all look after it. If mummy is busy with work and is coming late after a
meeting and daddy has been here before, he can pick up a few dirty toys and
give the lounge a clean. I have yet to see a man die of housework but have seen
a lot of women seriously burnt out , depressed and disillusioned by their life
choices because the men in their household give them nil help. When you refuse
to carry your own plate to the kitchen and persist in hollering for a glass of
water every time you are thirsty, you are telling your kids that these tasks
are not worth your time and you don’t respect your wife and their mother enough
to do them yourself.
5.
Learn to think for yourself
You don’t become the first female fighter pilot in a
male-dominated, patriarchal society with strong religious overtones by
submitting to every tradition that is thrown at you. You achieve this by
questioning every norm, cultural practice, rebelling against known traditions
and folklore. Again and again, Pakistani women have rebelled and questioned the
shackles binding them and have very slowly but surely made their place in a man’s
world. This requires courage and intelligence. I think it’s time our men learn
both of the above virtues. Your mum may not be happy with you making cups of
tea for your over-tired burnt out wife, but so what? You need to be confident
enough and stand by whatever works for your family and your happiness as a
couple. As a society we need to start thinking more for ourselves and may less attention
to ‘What people will think?”
I am not sure if many people will agree with what I have
said, but here it is. I strongly feel the need for a social change and that is only
possible if we start empowering our men too. Ladies! I await your comments and
suggestions ?
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